DO what you CAN, and LOVE what you CAN DO (Pre-surgery thoughts)

For weeks I’ve had the feeling that I should record some thoughts prior to my big foot surgery coming up.  Perhaps it’s just a little anxiety causing me to reflect a little more as I prepare to undergo a major procedure.  (I'll be having reconstructive flat foot surgery - several procedures that will correct the structure of my foot, create an arch, and relieve the tension on my torn tendons).  I recognize that people have surgeries all the time and there really shouldn’t be much to worry about, but it feels like a big deal for me and for whatever reason, I feel the need to express some of these thoughts building up inside. 

Perspective

The recent struggle with my feet has been one of my biggest challenges in this life thus far.  I was born with flat feet and had some issues with pain as a young child, but over time my symptoms lessened and as long as I wore supportive shoes for times when I'd be walking a lot.  I got along just fine and could live an active life.  

After a big change for our family in 2015 – moving a couple hours away from the place we grew up and had been so settled in, the last thing I expected was to undergo physical health issues.  I was more concerned about how my kids would adjust – if they’d make new friends.  I worried about how we’d all transition. With the move, we were given so many temporal blessings – more space for our growing family and things we had always dreamed of, like a swimming pool and pool table.  I have felt so much gratitude for these blessings, recognizing that we have more than we need.  Sometimes I wonder if I was “blessed” with these feet issues to help me stay humble and not take life for granted.  The size of our home has in some ways become an added struggle now that I’m having so much trouble being on my feet. It has helped me recognize that all these “things” that we recently acquired have no eternal value and my physical, emotional, and spiritual health have become the priority.  However, I still have so much to appreciate in our home and I have not stopped trying to make it a space where our family can make a lifetime of memories.  This home has given me opportunities to create.  I’m discovering talents within that give me an outlet and allow me to acquire knowledge.  

When we moved, we joined the local family gym, excited that we might have a more active life.  Brandon and I had both just been on a health kick and had competed in a couple intense obstacle course races and were starting to adopt better lifestyle habits.  As I started to increase my activity level, the pain in my feet started setting in and I went from doing any exercise I wanted to having to be very selective in the gym or otherwise.  I may have created the perfect storm by wearing my flip flops everyday in the hot weather up and down the stairs (which we didn't have in our previous home) - and then going for a run without realizing I forgot to put my orthotics in.  Walking became painful.  I stopped exercising for some time because I was so discouraged.  I went through a period of frustration and some depression, not knowing what to do about my feet.  As I took the time to see doctors and investigate my physical situation, I would try to stay positive and just keep up with life, while attempting to take care of my feet the best I could.  I taped them with KT tape, wore foot braces, and even a boot to try to decrease the pain.  I had a few doctors discuss the option of surgery, but I didn’t feel like I was ready for such an extreme measure.  I have young kids and I couldn't imagine being laid up for several months.  

Ultimately, a year and half later, 5 doctors, and one failed less-invasive surgery procedure, I conceded to reconstructive foot surgery, hoping that it is the answer for a full recovery.  The bummer is that I not only have to do this once, but twice in one year.  After finally finding a doctor who I felt really comfortable with,  I was ready to commit.  

There will never be a good time to do this.  I’m nervous about what it will mean for my family and how I’m going to become such a burden on them.  But, it came down to the question of whether I’d want to try to live in this state for several more years, or have the procedure done and be on the road to recovery sooner.  I want to have more years ahead of me with good feet – I figure it’s worth the sacrifice now so that I can enjoy life more fully afterwards. 

So, as clarity began to set in after a long struggle with what to do, I felt a deep sense of PERSPECTIVE in my life.  Heavenly Father was teaching me something.  I have been growing this last year and a half, but in different ways than expected.  I had moments of this perspective early on that kept me going.  Like one morning when I went to the pool at the gym because at the time that was the only form of exercise I could handle – and as I limped out onto the pool deck, there sat a woman’s prosthetic leg on the edge of the pool deck.  I came to find out that she came every morning.  It was so humbling to me at the time.  It made me feel gratitude that I still had my feet and it was inspiring to see someone so committed when they had every excuse not to be.  Maybe I would never run or jump again, but I could swim.  And I could still walk – just not as well as I wanted to.

I began to swim more.  I wasn’t going everyday, but I realized it was an exercise I could do and I told myself that I no longer had any excuses not to do something good for my body.  As my perspective changed, I was able to focus on trying to stay healthy the best way I could and looking for answers from doctors about my feet.  I simply just kept going, trusting in the Lord that He would help me discover the answers I needed.  I accepted my new situation, but still had hope for long-term improvements.  During my scattered swims at the pool, I learned to appreciate the moments of solitude.  The water was one place I could have no distractions – I listened to my own breath and own thoughts as I swam up and down the pool.  On one particular morning, I had a clear impression to adopt a motto for myself to live by.  These are the words that came into my mind:

“DO WHAT YOU CAN, AND LOVE WHAT YOU CAN DO.”  

I decided right then that this would be my new goal.  Maybe my feet will never be the same, but there are still things I can do.  So, I’m going to love those things.  I’m going to take life one day at a time and love every minute I can.  As I’m now less than a week away from my surgery, I’m already making plans in my mind to stay as active as possible, even while couch bound and recovering.  In terms of exercise, I know that my arms and core will still work.  I’ve already been jotting down some “sit and be fit” type exercises.  And, since I know I won’t be able to be on my feet for an extended amount of time, there are also other things that I plan to do to keep my mind engaged and to build my testimony and even re-connect with my kids a little more.  I plan to dive into the scriptures more.  I feel like the Lord is giving me this opportunity to have the TIME and less distractions to allow me to do one of the things that doesn’t come easy for me.  I have a great desire in my heart to study the scriptures more regularly.  I want to take advantage of this opportunity.  Along with that, I’ll have more time to do some family history work, since it’s all done online now.  I’m also hoping to make time to better organize our family finances and it will also be a great time to organize family pictures and make another album that we can have as a keepsake.   Maybe I’ll even design some furniture so I can get right to building things again when I’m able to get around.

I worry a little that I’m being a little too over zealous about all the things I want to do from the couch, but right now it’s what’s helping me think that I can still experience some kind of normalcy.  Perhaps the pain and meds will prove to derail me for a while, but at least I know I have plenty of things to keep me going when I’m ready. 

I feel so blessed for the family and friends that surround me.  So many people have already offered to help when needed and I’m just so grateful for that added support.  Brandon will be working from home for a few weeks and we will kind of play things by ear.  We will get through this.  My bigger hope is that I’m strong and brave enough to do my other foot before the end of the year.  It’s going to be a long road to recovery, but I feel as prepared as I can be.  And lastly, I pray that my husband can endure the process and keep his sanity too while having to wear all the hats.  But there's no denying that we have an incredible support system around us with neighbors, friends, and family ready and willing to step in where they can.  I will forever feel indebted to them and when I'm back on my feet again, I hope to pay it forward.